Not actually an osprey nest (sorry)

Girls are made of puppy dog tails, too

My eldest was a breach born baby. It means baby comes out feet first.

At the time I recall an appreciable number of staff members putting their hands up Jen so they could experience the breach position.

I’ll cut a long story short – Sam’s bottom came out first. He pooped that black tar stuff? I have literally seen an arse, shitting out of a vagina.

Nothing prepares you for that. And it’s as clear an image in my mind’s eye as it was on the day.

So, 20-odd years later, my youngest had his own bundle of joy.

Now, I’m a dad of two lads. It’s all pretty straight forward.

Well, I’ve looked after my granddaughter solo twice. First time was a doddle – babysitting. Didn’t have to do anything. This time was ALL DAY though. Bloody hell but I’d forgotten how demanding it is.

So she does a poo. The first baby poo I’ve cleared up in 20+ years. But it’s fine. Get the nappy off and see it’s a good size, consistency and whatnot (it’s normal to check poo for health indicators, right?), but she hasn’t finished.

It was like a chocolate ice cream dispenser. She just got on with it and I kept clearing it.

All fresh and back downstairs. Not 5 minutes later, her face screws up, goes a little red and I think she’s about to start crying. Then there’s a massive wet fart/splat noise and she drops the rest of the load.

I’m a practical person. No worries, thinks me – just pop her back upstairs and repeat.

Well, this was a lot wetter. And somehow more numerous than the last load. And it’s EVERYWHERE. Front bottom. Back bottom. I mean there’s no training for that.

OK, so it wasn’t super traumatic – I took it in my stride, cleared up with relative ease and we were back downstairs in front of Peppa pig inside of a couple minutes. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me raise my eyebrows…and gag…a bit.

It was a lovely day, in all seriousness, and I cherish the fact the kids trusted me to look after her and that I get to even *have* that time with her. Plenty of people aren’t so privileged.

That said, it was a relief to hand her back to a responsible adult.

And that nursery rhyme is bullshit.

‘Sugar and spice’, my vagina ass.